Worst Day Ever!

     Today we went to Aultman for the cerclage.  They did blood work, got my IV going and had me into the OR earlier than expected!  I got my spinal, they prepped me for the surgery, and were ready to begin.  I was feeling really good about our decision to get the cerclage.  As soon as the doctor got a look at my cervix, he looked over the curtain, apologized, and said, "I'm sorry, but if I continue, I will break your water."  He said I had dilated a little more, my membranes were bulging out (that means the water that breaks when you give birth was coming through my cervix), and worst of all, I only had 4mm of cervix left.  Think of the width of your wedding band, if that!  Less than a day ago I had 24mm of cervix.  This was NOT GOOD NEWS AT ALL.  If he proceeded and my water did break, it would pretty much end the pregnancy that took 2 years to achieve.
     I was taken to recovery and the nurse brought Tom in to sit with me.  We were devastated to say the least.  Tears were flowing and I was apologizing to Tom for my stupid body's inability to hold this baby in.  I called my mom and gave her the bad news.  If I recall, I couldn't even talk because I was so upset. 
     By about 1pm, they wheeled me back into my room and put me in the Trendelenburg position for the rest of the day and night.  This means I was flat on my back with my head slightly lower than my pelvis.  I was not even allowed up to use the restroom. They were hoping gravity would help take the pressure off my cervix so they could attempt the cerclage again in the morning.  Many women are like this for months, and I was convinced I'd be in that position forever.  Oh, and I forgot to mention I started contracting every 1-2 minutes after I got out of recovery.  I was put on medicine which thankfully helped.  Meanwhile, my doctor went and found the best Maternal-Fetal Medicine doctor at Autlman, Dr. McDaniels, to get his opinion.  He was a spunky doctor with somewhat of an ego, which we liked.  He was very confident with what he could do.  They said miracles do happen, but were preparing us for the worst.  It wasn't likely we'd make it out of the hospital with a baby at only 21 weeks.  They said I had to make it to AT LEAST 24 weeks, or viability.  This means the baby has a fighting chance at survival, but that chance is only 40%.  So, we would re-evaluate my situation in the morning.
     We felt so hopeless at that point.  So many things were running through my mind.  Why? Why is this happening after all we had been through to get pregnant in the first place?  I thought of all the people who don't even want to be pregnant, but go on to have healthy pregnancies.  We wanted this so bad!  I was doing everything right.  Mason?  What am I going to do with Mason for the next several months if I do stay pregnant and have to stay in the hospital in the Tredelenburg position?  I was already crying because I missed him and wasn't there for him.  He was in great hands with my parents, but he should be with his parents.  Worst of all, all I could think about was, "I'm going to deliver this active, healthy little baby boy, and hold him in my arms until the unthinkable happens."  I was completely devastated, as was Tom. We kept trying to think positive thoughts, but it was really hard.  We cried until about 2am, then were finally able to fall asleep.